Hi !

So yeah, there is few hours left for 2016 before it ditch us therefore, I am excitedly *bhaha* writing this post to make a 'summary' or conspectus of how my life went on in this horrendous year ever for me; 2016. Yeah, it has been a horrid year for me; one of the most odious year indeed :") And guys, today's post is gonna be so long I swear coz.. I'm in the right mood to keep typing so yeayy. Membebel lah apa lagi *wink wink*

Well if you followed up my posts (I meant from the old blog till now), you would know what I had faced throughout this year. To be honest, I can say that I cried a lot in this freaking year (in which crying is the most hardest thing for me to do). Ghaha guess what, 2016 is really not my year. So yeah. I've learnt a lot , it's a process of growing up indeed. I'm growing up *uuuuu*. My 2016 start off with a terrible 'best-friend' relationship broken up till the end of the year, I had to 'letting go' my damn desires and ambition which was built up since I was a toddler *LOL* and of course it ain't easy for me to accept even until now :"). Well I'm still breathing so, life is moving on and I have to move on too *sigh*. So yeah, let's get started with the 'timeline' ghahaha.

JANUARY

I started my first day of new year with a great motivational spirit to start over a new life and getting off with him because I kinda feel like he's doing the same too since he started to acts differently from usual (maybe because everything we used to do has been my kinda habit; talking and went out together every week suddenly it became...........). I tend to keep quiet and not telling nor asking him what happened but instead, I started to stay myself away from him slowly. I was tripped in my own perception's cage. Well I thought he'd do something and I kinda wanna see how will he reacts toward what was I doing unfortunately, he seems like 'going on with the flow' and hell yeah. God bless me gais. HAHAHAHA. The person that get hurted the most is me, myself lahh KAH! Wtf right?

I was expecting something but then, see what happened? The expectation killed me in the end.  I should've make a move instead of waiting others to make a move in the first place, in order to save whatever I love the most- person that I never want to lose. The last time we went out together was on 2016, January 15th. And the last day we talked was on 2016. January 30th and the last conversation was about he asking me the physics I chapter 2 tutorial  answers..

It's crazy how I remembered everything. There's reason why I keep everything whenever we went out together; I even kept the receipts though or even the chocolate plastics and stuffs. HAHAHA. You can say that I am crazy in this case but I love being in this way. I do it because every time I get pissed off with that particular person, the book in which I kept/recorded everything would helps me to remember back all those nice things that they had done to me so the feeling got slow down (I don't make book for everyone; I just make a book to person that I think they're special). Well so far I just have 2 books :) Okay moving on. And then we stopped talking because, my iPhone got problem with its LCD and therefore I couldn't even contact anyone. I thought we'd be okay in the class(well we were classmate- see how hard for me to move on when I saw him everyday, listened to his laugh and blablabla kbye) but, it turns out to the way round. He ignored me and I kinda did the same way too :"( . God I thought I could get over him easily but actually.............. So yeah, I really had a bad dreams in the first month of the 2016.

FEBRUARY

It was Chinese New Year. I really wanted to give him a call and wish him but, I don't remember his number. It was in my broken iPhone. I wanted to wish him through twitter but I blocked him because I don't want to get updated with his life; assuming that he's done with me.. And I wanted to stop myself from keep stalking him *well that eager feeling sucks*. So then, I had no choice. I didn't wished him and it makes me regret somehow though.

I remembered that there was one time he told me that he's baking pineapple tart and he'd give me some later. But.. We didn't know this'd happened between us. He knew that I love spending time at the park rather than go shopping and stuff. So there was one day he said there's gonna be another surprise soon; he found a really good park to bring me there. Yeah just you know.. It is planned yet just left as a plan. LOL I feel like I wanna cry now. Ego is killing I swear, I cannot get rid of this easily. Damn.

So then, I decided to make February as my real 2016 year and January was my trial month for 2016. But then, that mixed feelings hasn't yet faded and indeed, the feeling of 'missing' becomes overloaded. Yea yea , saudade. You know how does it feels when you get attached to someone, you make them the first person to tell everything but when you reach the top of your excitement, only then you realized that they aren't there anymore for you. They're gone! By meant, you can still saw them yet you have to pretend they're no longer be in your world. It was exactly what I felt!

But in this month, I still can controlled it. I mean, I haven't yet gone crazy ghahaha. Lol since my iPhone was still broken so IDK anything about what's going on in his life!

MARCH  

I've gotten my iPhone back so then just you know, of course the first person that I was excited to tell was probably him. I wanted to text him so badly like .. "Hey wassup bro, I've gotten my damn phone back yaw yawww. How's your life nigga?" but when I remembered back how we react toward each other in the class, I remember he's not there anymore. It stopped me somehow. I have to stop all this feelings and stop putting him in my top priority list.

So life goes on and on. I tried my best to go back to my life before I knew him *as if I could forget everything* but, for that, I need to keep myself away from the places that we used to hangout together. It was terrible when lot of things could remind me of him. It was so damn freaking bad when I sit alone and all I could think was the memories. It's like.. flashing back the movies that occurred in my real life. The songs that he compiled for me, foods we had together, chocolate, cars; to be said, everything! The more I tried to make myself hate him, the more I miss him. Man, I've never had this such bad goodbye in my life.

I started to cry a lot every single night. Not even a single day I had without hoping of receiving his text. I get sad easily when people talks about him in front of me. I get sad when I see opened up my whatsapp or even looking at my phone! I feel horrible when I saw the casing that was ordered specially for me. I cried when I'm alone. I cried when I took shower. I cried before I sleep. It just that, it's out of my control! My tears were like .... Sigh. I don't know why I became in that way. It was getting even worse during I was period AHAHAHAHA. I get damn sensitive and fragile. It's funny when I think it back. You know why? Because, I wasn't like this bad during my first heart-break. It does hurts me too but didn't hit me as bad as this time.

Then, in this freaking month also, I got to know that my parents seems like giving up to afford me continue study MBBS in September. I got more depressed and my study motivations goes down abruptly. I couldn't stay focus anymore. I started to choose to sit behind during lectures (I used to sit in front in class). I wasn't serious in study anymore. I played phone during lectures. I came to class late. I wore bad attire to class and I came to class in a damn messy attire *I didn't put any pin while wearing shawl just baling ke kiri baling ke kanan macam mampus kau lah nak kelepet macam mana pun, I wore seluar tidur to class haha yes I did, I wore slipper to the class which is prohibited coz it is unethical attire KAHKAH*

If I am today could see myself in March, I swear to god I would say I don't know her haha.    

APRIL

I had my second-semester final and as expected, my result slumping down. I had to repeat 2 papers but still, after repeating those papers also, it wasn't really improved. In this month, peoples are already busy preparing to get into degree this coming September; Interview, scholarship, placement and offer letter as well. As all of my friends were busy for the preparation to degree, I couldn't care much about all that. I was still confused whether to take the offer letter of MBBS or thinking of another courses (probably not a medic-line courses because I think, if I couldn't get into MBBS, I don't want to do any related courses with medicine therefore....). I was thinking to take interior designing since I kinda into it or taking any marine-courses because I can go sailing always and would get a high pay or maybe taking any courses that related to airspace engineering or something. Anyway, let's moving on.

So in this month also, to my surprise, I gotta know that he already proposed a girl. I was like.... aaaaaaaaaaa. Okay. I thought what I felt for him all this while was a mutual feelings like what he used to say.. But actually. One-sided feelings hooyeah! Again, I felt bursting. I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know where my heart goes already. I couldn't cry neither smile. I laughed a lot but actually, it's how I hide my real feelings. I could've cry whenever I get pissed off with stupid jokes that my friends made on me but, I overcome the tears from dropping down by laughing. At this point, I couldn't even look at him anymore. I feel so damn sad.

I just imagined how our trip to Singapore in August would be. He already has a girlfriend. Oh yeah, we booked ticket to Singapore konon konon habis sem 3 nanti nak release tension and my mom allowed me to go to USS. I was like.. 50-50 to think about what would happen in August later.

MEI

I was still crawling like Ju-On to move on from everything. But in this month at least, everything was healing slowly. I write a lot. I gained motivations a lot. I read best quotes in instagram and twitter a lot (you can see in my phone, there's a lot of quotes that I ss-ed). I find my happiness when I am staying away from everyone. I feel the serenity and tranquil in every moment I spent with myself. I discovered my deepest talents. I sing, I started to play with music instruments, I learned painting and I wrote poems. I spent most of my time on me. I went out alone, I shopping alone, I dressed up to impress myself. I started to do things I never did before; make up and some work out. Make up? Ghaha at least I did went to Sephora although IDK what to buy and what to do there.

I've started to remove some of 'useless' friends that always excluding me from the fucking stupid 'group'. Yea, we just hate each other but IDGAF about it. They're just benefit nothing to me instead, they used me whenever they need me. Fuck off.

There was a senior of mine did proposed me saying that he liked me since I was in form 4 but during that time, I was kinda.... Basically I'm not a type of treating and talking to boys. To be honest, I hate boys. Idk it was before. Maybe. Actually it was because he found my twitter and he started to approach me. Lama lama tu kau tahu je lah apa jadi. Aku je yang keras hati mak nenek. So then he told his mom about me and his mom was kinda agree for him to have me but me? I wasn't in a good state to accept anyone else. I meant.. So then, I just talked to him like usual and I created something to make him stay away from me. It works and we stopped talking (but I didn't remember when was the last time I talked to him)

JUNE

It's ramadhan month. Everything gets faded slowly and I can already adapt to everything already. I could be happy seeing him with her. It feels like I'm happy when I see you happy. I really could feel that I can already let him go from myself and get my broken pieces back. I remember that if someone worth our love and trust, they deserve our forgiveness and we ourselves worth the relief of being able to let go. Know that we are strong and alive, and free to experience all depths of love and loss. I am blessed for the moments we had. You were a piece of me and that piece would not eat away at my soul like hatred would. It will live inside of me; in a place that is preserved by forgiveness and humility :)

And in this month also, I knew a guy from Sabah. We talked and shared problems together. Basically we faced like the same kind of situations so he thought that I can understand him well (but I never believed that he could understand me- I am a complicated shit ever on earth). Then, one day he told me that he started to like me and doesn't feel like letting me go somehow. Aku pun rasa serabut lah apa lagi and create something to make him go away and hate me. I shouldn't give him chance and let him in, in the first place. I shouldn't be thinking that everyone else is like me-stone heart! =="

JULY

It was my birthday month! And we were all busy preparing for the last-semester final exam yet I could still feel the excitement to celebrate my own birthday; still couldn't stop hoping some miracle would happen LOL XD. Then it came to my birthday and the only wish that I waited didn't came- even until today. IDK why I was really really waiting for your wish; maybe because last year I was struggling as hell to prepare you a handcraft present as you wished. All I hoped was just a wish from you sebagai tanda you at least ingat. Haha. Yea, in my dreams :")

Okay then, 3 days after my birthday.. someone proposed me. That time, I could think nothing else except accepting him. Honestly, I accepted him because I feel like.. Let's name the guy I loved Ting and the boyfriend asshole. Eh tak tak. Ghahaha I call him the boyrfriend okay. So, If Ting could get a new one, why can't me? Why don't I give this new guy a try? It might sounds so bad but relax, the story hasn't ended yet. I wanna know too if I can have feeling for others or not ghahaha. Risky betul decision aku nih. Dibuatnya aku ter-fall-in-love kang. Mampus. Bukan aku nak sangat pun. Nak try je lebih. Eh eh bahabey nya ayat GAHAHAHAHA.

AUGUST

We had final exam and everything went fine. No, actually my result dropped even worst. It's not because of the boyfriend but it's because my bad habit since the first day of sem-3 classes. Sem-3 was even worse because I skipped classes a lot. I rarely came to the class. I just went to the class whenever I feel like doing so. I swear to god, I created a bad character when I was in sem-3.

So then after finished the final, I stayed in MAHSA to wait and see what will happened on 11th August later. Will he give me my ticket? Or he'd just keep quiet? So I didn't went back to Johor instead, I went to Rawang to sleep-over there and at the same time meeting that new boyfriend. To my surprise, the boyfriend proposed me with a diamond silver ring. I believed that the ring is not a cheap ring, it might be Swarovski ring or something ~ Well IDK. It was our first meet but, he could guess my finger size and the ring fits me perfectly ^_^ (I am fat yet my finger ain't as chubby as my cheek is ghahahaha). So then I somehow feel happy and forgotten all those bullshits happened! It went smoothly until one day he started to asked me to lend him some money. I was like.. At first I thought he was really borrowing but day by days.. keep asking and asking.. I started to pissed off.


So then, 11th August came. There was no call, no message, no text from him about the trip. Know what, I paid for the trip. It's my choice whether to go or not but at least give my ticket! LMAO. Then I saw picture of him and the new girlfriend were having holidays in Singapore. And guess what I feel like go and burn his house at that freaking time. Why does I trust people easily? I lost some amount of moneys to these two guys =="

SEPTEMBER

It was a week before the degree registration yet I haven't go and get my offer letter. I was still confused which offer letter should I take. So then, I went back to JB and discussed with my parents. As a final decision, I had to change my preference. I had to take accounting. It burst me into tears. I cannot think of anything anymore. It feels like i couldn't see where is me in 5 years ahead, what would I become and everything. But this is real life, not everything we want is the best for us. Refer Surah Al-Baqarah verse 216 :)

So then it was Raya Haji. I didn't attend the orientation week. I came late. 2 weeks after the orientation week because I think I need time to prepare myself mentally and physically. Tell me who doesn't feel anything when seeing your old classmates that should be your classmate became ex-classmates? *okay pening kan ayat aku kan*. Seeing all the peoples that you were supposed to be in the same level of them; pursuing what you should've pursuing? Yes true, you've been sacrificed a lot, you've been putting an all out efforts , but in the end,  we have to return back to its basis. See the core and you learned that Allah's plan is the greatest plan after all. All your friends feel sad on your decisions, even your own parents cried in front of you telling you they're sorry for not being able to let you into what you really want in your life-  Tell me what do you think I feel?

OCTOBER

So here come to the ending story of the boyfriend. He was still asking me money but I refused to give anymore until he pays back all the DEBTS. LISTEN. IT'S A DEBT I don't fucking care what your problem is but I need my money back. The way he took my money was like a tactic to ask me to pay back for the ring. WTF. -.- .  So then after a while he suddenly left. Then I found out he got a new girlfriend. Hawt maknyah doh ghahaha. Cekci lady gitcheww. Body mantap I tell you memang pheww. But whatever, she's gonna get the same fate with me. No, actually she already faced the same fate with me since the girl find me and asked about the guy. So then we shared stories and kau tahu je lah. Dah bila perempuan dengan perempuan bergabung hmm ~ Habis semua pasal kebodohan kau terserlah! They broke up after a while! Ghahaha. The thing that I get angry the most is about my fucking money though. Ghaha. WTF -.-

Ever since I broke up.. I could say I rejected everyone as well as the person that closed af to me . We were the best of the best friend on earth. But after all the bullshits happened to me in this year, I don't think I could go into one anymore. Imma put my ego higher than where it was. I feel like I'm so done with all these feelings bullshit thingy. I am a broken-heart girl and I couldn't yet make myself up. And maybe some more, I am still finding him in others' soul. I haven't yet found and maybe I won't found the-exactly him. I meant, I love the way he treated me, the way he motivated me when I am down, the way he made surprises to me, the way he talk and his jokes.. Okay stop it, don't reminisce *sigh*

So then there was another guy that I did had crush on him before this *proposed me?!*. Everyone was telling me to accept him. I didn't. But instead, I befriend with him - just to know how exactly he is. Orang kata tak kenal maka tak cinta ghaha ppuih. So then we were closed to each other for a while until I discovered something that seems unpleasant to me in him. To be honest, I really cannot make it with people that has bad tempered and forcing kinda person. It just that, I had traumatic issue on those two mentioned behaviors. I'm sorry, I just cannot.Then because of this, I kept quiet (be know that when I started to ignore, it means you've made something that annoys me and bother me a lot). So he decided to leave me and never go back to me. It was sad to me, truly sad but at the same time I don't want to make him fall for me even more whereas me.. Still with the stone-heart. Therefore, it's better to let him go. I know you're reading this and I am sorry.

NOVEMBER

Ting's birthday is coming. So, as a friend and tryna be a still good friend, I wished him on exactly his birthday date time. Get what I meant? Okay , for example your birthday is on 9 September, then I wish you at 09.09. Okay move on. Then we started to talk back and having some catch up. I thought I'd never received an apology, but he hasn't yet changing in this. Still know when to ask apology so then.. I feel relieved somehow. At least there is a word from you even though I badly need the explanation from you. The way you left me makes me feel like I doesn't worth any explanations from you :"( But it's okay as long as I received the world of 'I'm sorry' , be know that I don't need any more explanation. It's more than enough to me.

And in this freaking month also, I've abandoned 5 persons that did proposed me for the reason that they aren't him. WTF haha. There were somes of them even contacted my mom and told my mom about how they feel about me and I was like.............................................. Mana kau dapat number tu ha? Creepy ah manusia zaman sekarang. Idk. I'm sorry. I'm not ready. My heart is still broken. Cite dia aku bukan pm pun dorang dorang tu. Cakap dalam group je kan. ==" . These peoples lahai. The feeling is not real people!

DECEMBER

December is a month that kinda give a new life to me. It feels like I am in the beginning of 2016 after all those shits happened to me. I admit, I am closed to some persons that I could called them 'good-friend'. And I hope the friendship remains friendship not into a relationship. Well at least, not for now. To the only one biskut, be know that you are the person that paling rapat with me among all so then don't messed up with me you big brother!

Well actually of course, throughout this year, I've learnt a lot about life, love, reality and fantasy haa semua lah semua! Whatever happened, make up my current me. How I react, how I behave and how I adapt are all the result of what life has taught me. I know, whatever that I had might seems nothing to others but it leaves me scars, it leaves me lessons and new belief to something. People comes and go. Indeed, a lot of my friends just use me when they need me but when I need them, they weren't there instead, those peoples that closed to me were there for me. I afraid it isn't mutual. I afraid they'll feel like "I was there when you need me but you weren't there when I need you". Gosh, it scares me a lot.

I've lost numbers of friends in this fucking year. I've lost someone that meant a world to me. I've lost my girls that I thought would stay with me forever. But any how, here I am,  just doing fine with everything. And I've learnt not to rely on others a lot. Again, I'm saying this. I don't beg for people to stay. If you people wanna go out from my world, it's up to you. You make your own life, you decide for your life. I am getting so used to people that comes and go as they wished. I don't give a fucking care to anyone because whenever I started to care about them, they tell me I shouldn't do so. Therefore, I'm definitely okay if people wanna leave. I thought I'd need someone when I'm in need but in the end, there's just only me to pick myself up again, no one else was there to help me out. So, I'm trying and have to be independent somehow. May 2017 would bring me double happiness and great life :) Bye bye 2016. You've been such a great year to me and thanks for all the lessons XOXO








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