Hello everyone!

Two months passed and perhaps today's idea is pretty good to be write on. Hahaha. Even right f**king now also I still don't know what exactly running in my mind. I just know that there is something to be write on. It's neither happiness nor sadness. It's not something exciting too, yet it's something that I couldn't describe into words! IDK how to put into words! LMAO

It's something normal for me to write up a post first before deciding the suitable title to put on. Or is it actually normal for a blogger doing like that ? Well perhaps when I get kid later I'll change this habit. Well at least when something happened around you and you feel like sharing something that can benefits others, it's pretty much good already though! Perhaps later I always have a specific topic to write like.. "Few funky recipes for your 6-months baby's meal" or "24-vogue styles fashion during pregnancy" or "How to seduce your husband" HAHAHAHA. Nah dude, I'm joking ! No I mean.. At least there is something that you are clearly know and understand the purpose of writing it. Maybe some of you are wondering, why do I write up a post when I have no specific title to be discussed. Well, my answer is simple. I am a writing-addict. Or actually I am a typing-addict. Get it ?

Okay let me ask you something.

How far do you believe in your own expectation toward others?

Expecting that they will do in the way you expect them to do
Expecting that they will forever stay by your side
Expecting that they will be there when you need them the most
Expecting that they will keep their promises toward you
Expecting that they will wait for you no matter how longer you will take your time to make things work out
Expecting that they will forever has the same feeling like how you feel about them
Expecting that they will not change or maybe changing back to how they used to be

Well. To be listed, there are a lot more things that we expected from others.  General speaking, I am not specifically saying this in terms of 'partner' or 'lover' *well the valentine's day had just passed but whatever*, all of these could be towards your own best friend. I've lost both. Yeas. Best friend and lover. Peoples that I thought would never leave me. People that I never thought of losing. People that used to listened to every of my single thing could gone and leave me. Anyway, that's not my main point here.

After analyzing some things in me, I found out that *apahal ayat macam nak buat thesis wuu wuu wuu*, I put so much expectations. I put so much hope. I trust too much. It's definitely not a wrong to trust people but, take it into some considerations; not in a way that you put yourself behind. I've been saying this so many times, but I'm here again to remind you and myself. Prioritize yourself, know your limit and put your own happiness on top of your everything's list. I was once believed that ones could change, go back to their old selves that they used to be. Do you know that is consider as one of the expectations? You are expecting someone else to become their-self in the way you want! Of course without telling them. But, you build up a new hope on them in your f**king self! You expect them to change. Do you know actually instead, you have to accept this one fact. Sometimes they are not changing; but actually their mask that falls off. Be real people.

I know it's hard. Even until now, I couldn't get myself out from putting expectations toward others. Either new people or old people. TBH I still have that slight hope to go back to my old good days, cheering up with old peoples that I knew. But, life goes on. And. And. And. I have dreams on some things with someone or some persons that I am facing with nowadays. I believe that whatever that I dream of now couldn't go far (perhaps this is wrong), beyond this damn limit but I feel enjoy imagining it. Insane yet wonderful. Yes, this is an expectation. If only expectation could kill us physically, I'd died so many times by now. However, it just kills us mentally. The only physical thing that we can feel is our tears. We cried over spilled milk; because of our highest trust and damn expectations towards them. Well, that's terrible.

I am still hoping for some persons to come back into my life. Well that's for me to be damn honest :") I know that'd seems impossible but yeah. At least I've moved on. It's an achievement to be proud of. I asked myself to choose either one of these options only; living in the dark past OR living to see a brighter future. Everyone did sacrificed things, if only I think and hold on to deeds that I've done to them, promises that we both made or even memories that we created together, I won't get any better but indeed I'll get even worse!  Trapped in my own prison! Do you get what I meant?

Okay basically sometimes, we feel wasted after doing so much things for another person. After we put so much effort to keep the relationship last longer (this saddens me), but in the end what they see were just nothing. And then, we keep bragging them, begging and hoping so that they will stay and change their mind upon leaving. I've learnt that it's not correct. Do not only see what we had done for them but see it in their perspective. They are giving up on the fight for the relationship. They clearly want to eliminate us and there's no point to stay. We are worth to get someone else that want to fight for us- to make you staying in their life. But often, we were the one that excrete them from our life. Yea, I'm talking about me. I badly want someone that I like to love me like a queen but I chase the one that is willingly to make me like how I want. Loving someone that we love is so much different with loving someone that loves us.

Okay let me tell you about my story.

I actually did put effort to stay contact with my very best friend. I did sent her letter once in few months (I still remember when I was in PLKN, I wrote her a letter. Everyone else were writing letter mostly to their parents but not me :)), birthday present and keeping our 'BFF thingy' but in the end.. She changed her number without telling me, closing all her social media's account and moved. I believed she faced a real huge problem. I believe she is hiding from everyone; not only me (perhaps). It saddens me. A lot. One of my most heart-breaking goodbyes.

Till then, I started to afraid of attachment. I afraid of being so close to anyone. I even hate knowing new peoples. I couldn't cope with a large crowd especially. I think I am just hating peoples/unknown humans (haha). I hate it when I got so close to someone and then, thing changes and then we are apart. Like.. WTF? Just like what happened between me and my best-friend. She left without saying words. You know what's the most heart-breaking out of all ? I sent her a birthday present through post and then few weeks later I got it back. Saying that there's no one came to take it in her district's post-office and the address written seemed like wrong cause no one is living there. I don't even know what's happening or what she's doing right now. Everything changes after I came back from Turkey. Well anyway, I am still hope that she is one of my readers. And if you are reading this, I want to tell you that I miss you. So much. I want to tell things to you and I want to know everything from you. Come back, never feel guilty. I understand your privacy :")

To people that is always be by my side nowadays, I'm sorry. I'm such a messed. I am a complicated shit. I am clumsy af.  I have a lot of grunges that I hold in me and I couldn't put it into words to let you know. But anyway, thanks for staying. Thanks for always cheering me up and listen to me whenever I need. I am truly happy whenever I have someone with me. Do keep talking to me because that's what can make me happy and forget my dull side in me :) Look at me as a girl with a broken smile. And lastly, I'd say endlessly thank you so much for everything :)
 



   

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